by Deputy Chief Robert R. Devonshire, Jr.
Strasburg Fire Company #1 in Lancaster County, Pennsylvania
Since October 1985, I have had the privilege of calling
myself a firefighter. This has afforded me many opportunities and opened
numerous doors because of my involvement in this profession.
Over the years, I have attended many hours of classroom and
hands on training as well as accumulating a vast amount of experience. All of
which is invaluable when it comes to dealing with the variety of calls we are
dispatched to, crashes, fires, haz-mat, medical or other emergencies. We deal
with them and make the problem go away. That’s what we do. But no one ever
really teaches us about dealing with the mental beatings we take and how to
cope with the disturbing things we see.
Waking Up
I never thought I had an issue with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) until
I was working with a counselor due to some marital problems. As he was trying
to get to know me and learn my background information we discussed in some
detail my fire service career. He asked me, with all the stuff I had seen and
experienced, if I thought I had an issue with PTSD and I remember saying, “No,
I know all about that, I’m ok”. After a few more visits and some poking and
prodding by my counselor to get me to discuss a couple of calls that stuck out
to me, he asked me to review them with him at one session. That was the event
that finally made me realize that something was not right.
His efforts to make me talk about several calls at one
sitting resulted in a boiling over of emotions that really made me take stock
in what I had been ignoring and covering up for a long time. Upon leaving his
office, I started to question what had just happened and if it is possible
could I really have PTSD.
I began to research PTSD on the internet, and in particular,
Firefighter issues as it relates to PTSD. The more I looked, the more I was
seeing signs and symptoms that I knew I was experiencing. At my next visit, I
asked if we could talk more about PTSD and determine if it was possible that I
may have some issues. Long story short, I was diagnosed with PTSD and have been
working hard to deal with my issues ever since.
Putting Up a Wall
Working my way up the chain of command, I found it harder and harder to be able
to open up and talk about the calls that hurt the most and their lingering
effects. Some memories are over 20 years old but they are every
bit as real today as they were day they happened. As I continued moving up
through the ranks I found that I had set myself upon a pedestal with a
self-imposed feeling of always having to be the strong command presence that
never cracks. Not so much as a sign of weakness, but more so to be that point
of strength that everyone follows, looking to in order to ensure that they are
safe and secure in the tasks you request of them to do at any given emergency
scene.
I would never talk about the firehouse at home. My rules
were, and for the most part continue to be, “What goes on at the firehouse,
stays at the firehouse”. One of my biggest issues is my unwillingness to share
with my loved ones the things that I have seen and done in the fire service. I
never wanted my family to worry about the things I do when I run out the door
to answer an alarm and, to protect them, I chose not to share my experiences.
This topic came up in a counseling session a while back and my counselor asked
me why I decided my wife and kids were not able to handle this information and
why I felt I knew what was better for them then they themselves knew. I could
not honestly answer him and to this day I have no worthy answer.
Opening Up
I have shared a few details with my wife since being asked this question. My
hurdle now is simply being able to discuss the calls that bother me without
having a meltdown. As I open up and share with people, I am slowly becoming
more at ease with this process. The memories are still very real to me and can
be quite painful to recount, but it is getting better.
I have come to the conclusion, mostly on my own and with the
help of a good counselor, that of all of the emergency calls that I struggle
with I could not have prevented a single one of them from happening nor could I
have ever changed the ultimate outcome of the events. Whatever was done, was
done before I got there. I know this, I understand this, and I am working hard
to accept this. Nonetheless, there are days that I sink back into a place with
the memories I carry that send me into a dark and sometimes foreboding place.
The memories are always going to be there. I cannot erase
them or ignore them. What I am learning is how to minimize their impact as a
negative event that is still current in my life. The event is in my past and is
as much a part of history as the signing of the Declaration of Independence. I
know it happened and that it carries significant importance to who I have
become. But it is over and done with and is not happening over and over again
every time I remember something about a call.
Coping and Healing
Finding a way to minimize the events has been a hard journey. I have found one
process in particular to be very helpful. While it may not always work 100% of
the time, it does help bring me out of the hole I find myself in when I have a
flare up of bad memories. Most of my issues revolve around the deaths of or
serious injuries to children. My trigger events tend be connected to things I
would hear about on the news or read about in a magazine or newspaper that
relate to kids being hurt and killed. I tend to connect the event with my own
memories and would start to relive them over and over again.
For more information go to: http://sweeneyalliance.org/grievingbehindthebadge/devonshire-you-ok/
