Since we have
announced the Personal Survival page we have been inundated with requests to
help spread the message of personal survival and we are grateful for those with
the strength to share. Below is a courageous story of a brother firefighter who
has “survived” and his very personal message to us all. Amongst his strength, I
am also struck by how many fellow firefighters enabled him in the spirit of
being a good “brother”. Sometimes the brotherhood means challenging the very
people you care about not looking the other way. Please consider the message
and thanks to him for sharing his personal survival story.
announced the Personal Survival page we have been inundated with requests to
help spread the message of personal survival and we are grateful for those with
the strength to share. Below is a courageous story of a brother firefighter who
has “survived” and his very personal message to us all. Amongst his strength, I
am also struck by how many fellow firefighters enabled him in the spirit of
being a good “brother”. Sometimes the brotherhood means challenging the very
people you care about not looking the other way. Please consider the message
and thanks to him for sharing his personal survival story.
“A Note From a
Friend”
“When you are feeling
alone and not sure your encouragement is a bright light in the darkness, I
wanted to take you up on sharing my circumstance. If my mistake can help
someone then I feel an obligation to give back to a special bother hood that
has given so much to me. If I can help one family then it will have been worth
my fear of sharing and lack of ability to communicate in an interesting way.
alone and not sure your encouragement is a bright light in the darkness, I
wanted to take you up on sharing my circumstance. If my mistake can help
someone then I feel an obligation to give back to a special bother hood that
has given so much to me. If I can help one family then it will have been worth
my fear of sharing and lack of ability to communicate in an interesting way.
Let me start with saying that as a fireman in Texas since
1986 I have had the privilege to be able to call myself a fireman. It is not a
privilege I have lived up to a great many of times. My alcoholism has caused me
to lose my “edge” in more ways than I can totally recall. Currently I
am separated from my wife of 24 years and I am living in a two room trailer on
a piece of property a friend of mine from church is allowing me to stay rent
free, the lack of funds caused me to live in my car for a few days early after
getting kicked out of my home. So it is very humbling to be living on someone
Else’s dime, especially for me. I have always taken care of myself and my
family Thu working two to four part time jobs at the same time. Most guys who
read this will associate with this. All the agility test and exams and rookie
school and all the long hours and training and at the end of the pay period you
think really? Now what? The kids the wife they just see the 24 hr on 48 hr off
and think you got it made? The 48 off is spent working a part time job at full
time hours just to cover the demands of taking care of a family. I have chased
a rabbit sorry. The point of my sharing. I am 47 years old and have two kids. A daughter 20 a Junior in college,
a son 15 a sophomore in high school. My yard is mowed and trimmed. The cars are
washed. I pay my bills on time. I attend church weekly and work with the youth
on Sunday mornings and Wednesday nights. I have served as a deacon have been on
the school board have served has a volunteer for 15 years all in the shadow of
the hypocrisy of living life as an alcoholic. Early on I would use the excuse
of the dead kid or the smashed up family or the stench of the burnt flesh, the
reoccurring nightmares or the lack of sleep to be a starting point to just
“drink it clear”, I wish I could tell you that the hollering and
arguing with my beautiful wife that she just doesn’t “understand” as
a reason to drink, I wish I could tell you all the times of hanging with the guy’s
and sharing war stories over a cook out, ballgame, get together, or family
event as a reason. I can’t. I do wonder how many times I came to a weekend
shift just with the goal of sleeping in my bunk to get sober right after
checking the rig off. I may not have been “drunk” but I wonder what a
blood draw would have shown? I am sure I did a really through job of making
sure my rig was ready. It is only by the grace of God that I didn’t get into a
wreak or God forbid get someone on shift hurt or killed because I was impaired
more than I would care to admit honestly.
1986 I have had the privilege to be able to call myself a fireman. It is not a
privilege I have lived up to a great many of times. My alcoholism has caused me
to lose my “edge” in more ways than I can totally recall. Currently I
am separated from my wife of 24 years and I am living in a two room trailer on
a piece of property a friend of mine from church is allowing me to stay rent
free, the lack of funds caused me to live in my car for a few days early after
getting kicked out of my home. So it is very humbling to be living on someone
Else’s dime, especially for me. I have always taken care of myself and my
family Thu working two to four part time jobs at the same time. Most guys who
read this will associate with this. All the agility test and exams and rookie
school and all the long hours and training and at the end of the pay period you
think really? Now what? The kids the wife they just see the 24 hr on 48 hr off
and think you got it made? The 48 off is spent working a part time job at full
time hours just to cover the demands of taking care of a family. I have chased
a rabbit sorry. The point of my sharing. I am 47 years old and have two kids. A daughter 20 a Junior in college,
a son 15 a sophomore in high school. My yard is mowed and trimmed. The cars are
washed. I pay my bills on time. I attend church weekly and work with the youth
on Sunday mornings and Wednesday nights. I have served as a deacon have been on
the school board have served has a volunteer for 15 years all in the shadow of
the hypocrisy of living life as an alcoholic. Early on I would use the excuse
of the dead kid or the smashed up family or the stench of the burnt flesh, the
reoccurring nightmares or the lack of sleep to be a starting point to just
“drink it clear”, I wish I could tell you that the hollering and
arguing with my beautiful wife that she just doesn’t “understand” as
a reason to drink, I wish I could tell you all the times of hanging with the guy’s
and sharing war stories over a cook out, ballgame, get together, or family
event as a reason. I can’t. I do wonder how many times I came to a weekend
shift just with the goal of sleeping in my bunk to get sober right after
checking the rig off. I may not have been “drunk” but I wonder what a
blood draw would have shown? I am sure I did a really through job of making
sure my rig was ready. It is only by the grace of God that I didn’t get into a
wreak or God forbid get someone on shift hurt or killed because I was impaired
more than I would care to admit honestly.
The point of sharing is to help someone else to look at
their self and to stop the madness before it’s too late. I got myself kicked
out of my family by breaking a promise not to drink any more, (for the
thousandth time) one sure sign of a problem is how many times you have made the
same promise. Yes you’re not the only one. I had not had a drink for 30 days
and I justified a drink because I was just going to have “one” turns
out the class never got empty cause I was topping it off, the family came home
and there I was watching a ball game and drunk. They knew it the moment I
walked in. It’s amazing how well the people who live with you how well they
know you more than you give them credit for! Any way I was asked to leave. I
spent the night in my car and was on shift the next day this was a Saturday,
Sunday a couple of C-shifters called in sick (what’s new) so I drew overtime, I
had nowhere to go and I certainly was telling anybody I work with what was
going on, how could I be that open or honest, I am at a fire station,,,, Monday
mooring I tried heading home. It was made very clear that if I showed up she
would call the cops and file charges, which was her way of getting my attention
by threatening the one thing I would guard and that is my fire job. So I spent
the day trying to weasel my way home by phone calls and texts. by the evening I
was setting at a McDonald’s trying to drink a cup of coffee fighting the urge
the draw to go get a bottle and just say screw it, you see the fact is a drank
to get myself kicked out, that way I could drink without any hassle or
accountability, no responsibility just stop early enough to make shift and as
soon as I get off start with the vodka and Orange juice and I can be blitzed by
noon pass out and start again and go to sleep by blacking out. The first time I
got drunk to avoid a situation was when I was fifteen to avoid dealing with an
alcoholic step father. That’s part of the hypocrisy what I hated I had
become…… another rabbit sorry. So as Monday was winding down I called a
friend that I haven’t spoken to in years, I got his number Thu the operator. I
called him because he is a strong Christian, so I called him and told him I
have a “friend” who is in trouble he got himself kicked out because
of his drinking, so the contact suggested UBH and drug rehab in my home town.
At this point I really Begin to fall apart I couldn’t stop crying and shaking.
I called UBH and was told to come on in, while taking to my church friend I had
called our dept’s employee help line, they were working on finding me help so I
called back and the guy helping me (I had a case number) was fixing to suggest
UBH, or ironic. So I went to UBH and was interviewed. This is the first time I heard
myself saying “I am an alcoholic” I need help. based on the answers
to the questions they wanted to immediately admit me for 28 day detox, I said I
wouldn’t kill myself but I had bills to pay if I missed a check I would be
sunk and that I would do outpatient and I voluntarily admitted myself and got
into rehab, it is with great humbleness and praise be to God I am 11 days away
from getting my six months sober coin. I am working the program and I am
learning how to live life sober. I still don’t have my family back, my kids
have forgiven me and say I’m a great dad and that they are proud of me.
Apparently I’m fun to be around and make them laugh allot. My wife has gone on
a few dates with me I may or may not get her back I don’t know. We are doing marriage
counseling so that’s a good thing. I pray every day for our
reconciliation, perhaps it will come. Meanwhile I take one day at a time.
their self and to stop the madness before it’s too late. I got myself kicked
out of my family by breaking a promise not to drink any more, (for the
thousandth time) one sure sign of a problem is how many times you have made the
same promise. Yes you’re not the only one. I had not had a drink for 30 days
and I justified a drink because I was just going to have “one” turns
out the class never got empty cause I was topping it off, the family came home
and there I was watching a ball game and drunk. They knew it the moment I
walked in. It’s amazing how well the people who live with you how well they
know you more than you give them credit for! Any way I was asked to leave. I
spent the night in my car and was on shift the next day this was a Saturday,
Sunday a couple of C-shifters called in sick (what’s new) so I drew overtime, I
had nowhere to go and I certainly was telling anybody I work with what was
going on, how could I be that open or honest, I am at a fire station,,,, Monday
mooring I tried heading home. It was made very clear that if I showed up she
would call the cops and file charges, which was her way of getting my attention
by threatening the one thing I would guard and that is my fire job. So I spent
the day trying to weasel my way home by phone calls and texts. by the evening I
was setting at a McDonald’s trying to drink a cup of coffee fighting the urge
the draw to go get a bottle and just say screw it, you see the fact is a drank
to get myself kicked out, that way I could drink without any hassle or
accountability, no responsibility just stop early enough to make shift and as
soon as I get off start with the vodka and Orange juice and I can be blitzed by
noon pass out and start again and go to sleep by blacking out. The first time I
got drunk to avoid a situation was when I was fifteen to avoid dealing with an
alcoholic step father. That’s part of the hypocrisy what I hated I had
become…… another rabbit sorry. So as Monday was winding down I called a
friend that I haven’t spoken to in years, I got his number Thu the operator. I
called him because he is a strong Christian, so I called him and told him I
have a “friend” who is in trouble he got himself kicked out because
of his drinking, so the contact suggested UBH and drug rehab in my home town.
At this point I really Begin to fall apart I couldn’t stop crying and shaking.
I called UBH and was told to come on in, while taking to my church friend I had
called our dept’s employee help line, they were working on finding me help so I
called back and the guy helping me (I had a case number) was fixing to suggest
UBH, or ironic. So I went to UBH and was interviewed. This is the first time I heard
myself saying “I am an alcoholic” I need help. based on the answers
to the questions they wanted to immediately admit me for 28 day detox, I said I
wouldn’t kill myself but I had bills to pay if I missed a check I would be
sunk and that I would do outpatient and I voluntarily admitted myself and got
into rehab, it is with great humbleness and praise be to God I am 11 days away
from getting my six months sober coin. I am working the program and I am
learning how to live life sober. I still don’t have my family back, my kids
have forgiven me and say I’m a great dad and that they are proud of me.
Apparently I’m fun to be around and make them laugh allot. My wife has gone on
a few dates with me I may or may not get her back I don’t know. We are doing marriage
counseling so that’s a good thing. I pray every day for our
reconciliation, perhaps it will come. Meanwhile I take one day at a time.
My job has a fireman carries allot of unspoken
responsibility the trust and respect of the community the ability to step in an
emergency and to provide the answer. It is a lot better sober and not turning
to booze. A thousand times I drove when I shouldn’t have. A hundred times I
said just one drink or I won’t drink today, a thousand times I made the same
mistake, I would lay the money down and pick the bottle up only to awake with
regrets.
responsibility the trust and respect of the community the ability to step in an
emergency and to provide the answer. It is a lot better sober and not turning
to booze. A thousand times I drove when I shouldn’t have. A hundred times I
said just one drink or I won’t drink today, a thousand times I made the same
mistake, I would lay the money down and pick the bottle up only to awake with
regrets.
In the book of Luke Lazarus tries to reach from hell to warn
his family don’t travel my path, I’m begging you, if you’re reading this stop
today, just stop call EAP and get help. You have more people that love and want
you healthy than you know. For your life, your wife, your kids today stop and
get help. Thank you”
his family don’t travel my path, I’m begging you, if you’re reading this stop
today, just stop call EAP and get help. You have more people that love and want
you healthy than you know. For your life, your wife, your kids today stop and
get help. Thank you”
