Thursday, December 2, 2010 Please take the time to read this powerful journey of a Fire Chief who lost not only two co-workers but his wife to suicide and lessons learned.



Suicide- My Journey
 
Suicide has touched my life both personally, with the death of my spouse, and professionally, with the deaths of two co-workers. These suicides have touched my life in many, many ways. They continue to impact my decision making and my psyche.
For me the biggest impact from these suicides has been a sense of guilt. Logically I can tell myself that these were choices (albeit extremely poor choices) that these people made but feelings are not assuaged by logic. The feelings of guilt have been sometimes overt and sometimes insidious and it has taken a significant amount of therapy to face and deal with the intense feeling of guilt that permeated many of my thoughts.
One of the universal questions in suicides is “why”? It seems that the question of why stems from our desire to explain this horrible event and, in some cases, to mitigate our own feelings of fear. That fear sounds something like; If she could be so desperate that she took her own life, might I be so desperate to do the same? Also the why question can serve to attach blame to something or someone else and thus absolve us of responsibility. I have come to believe that suicide is a completely irrational act and thus cannot be explained rationally although I sometimes wonder if this is an attempt to assuage my own feeling of guilt.
The quest for me has become how to make something positive out of severe trauma. Whenever the opportunity presents itself I share my experiences and my journey with those who are grieving. The suicides, along with an LODD in my department while I was chief, have left me able to relate to and connect with public safety leaders who are dealing with tragedy in their own department. My journey has also made me more sensitive to the feeling and needs of others and, I think, a better leader. I have also gotten to the place where I can accept the dictum that I am responsible for the efforts to help others but not for the ultimate outcome. Each of us has to take responsibility for our decisions and actions and thereby gain power over ourselves. There is serenity in knowing that no one else can make me angry or make me feel badly unless I unwisely choose to let them. I can also candidly state that, through my journey, I have learned to love and be loved at levels unattainable earlier in my life.
My sincere appreciation goes out to Billy and Pat for the opportunity to share my story. I hope that my message of recovery and hope somehow resonates with those who have become survivors of the tragedy of suicide.